MaïA’S SEX FICTION
What do sex toys think? Who will free the small penises? How do you write a politically flawless porn movie? Because some questions don’t (yet!) have an answer, the wisest course is to invent them. This summer, the columnist of “La Matinale” Maïa Mazaurette approaches sex from its fictional side.
Dear Client. You have just acquired the Jardin des délices(tm) set, the latest model in the FLESHCRUSH range. The best of sextech is now in your sweaty hands of anticipatory fervor. This box includes the thirty-four assemblable elements, the two processors, the three cables and the two adapters allowing your access to pleasures hitherto inaccessible to the human body (and, even more, to the human bodies being satisfied with the derisory products offered by our competitors).
Le Jardin des délices(tm) received the Sex’Innovation 2024 prize, distributed by an almost entirely independent jury. FLESHCRUSH Magazine voted him “millennial sex toy”, while “FLESHCRUSH Podcast” didn’t hesitate to utter the phrase “goofy thing”.
After one hundred and fourteen minutes of use, 97% of women and 98% of men said they were “absolutely devastated with pleasure”, “willing to call their mother” and “in communion with the rings of Saturn” (study conducted on six volunteers, in the laboratory, in Hawaii, after three glasses of planter punch).
To activate your FLESHCRUSH, create your secure account on Myflesh.com. You will then have a confidential @myflesh address. It couldn’t be easier! Fill in your e-mail, your address, your telephone number as well as its activation PIN, your Social Security number, your food preferences, then upload your vaccination record, your last tax statement, birth certificate apostilled from your four grandparents, and voila! Your sex toy is now almost, almost, ready to use.
In order to favor an optimal personalization of your FLESHCRUSH, enter now on your profile some details which will make it possible to better know you – and to better satisfy you: precise location of your erogenous zones, triggering fantasies, occasional fantasies, libidinal curves, number of past partners and present, degree of sensitivity to pain, duration of access to orgasm, fasting testosterone levels, childhood trauma, perversions, shame, disgust, night terrors, criminal record.
Painful conversation with your partner
You have a right of withdrawal and access to your file, on simple request sent by registered mail with acknowledgment of receipt to our head office, PO Box 12, Кара-Бүргөн, Kyrgyzstan. The FLESHCRASH company undertakes to share your personal information only with its commercial partners, the Gafam, the Mossad, the Russian FSB, as well as the 193 signatory governments of the UN charter. At FLESHCRASH, your safety is our priority.
Once the elements of the Garden of Delights(tm) have been assembled using the user manual (pages 112-8993), a multi-purpose drill and a precision watchmaker, press button 8 located under the valve 13, position the sex toy as desired and get ready for a long and painful conversation with your partner, inevitably leading to an impasse.
Indeed, the exceptional performance of the FLESHCRUSH range almost systematically results in a reassessment of the pleasure provided by human partners (generally disappointing, according to our panel of six volunteers). Do not be alarmed, this phase is completely normal. Count between three and eighty weeks of adaptation. Our hotline is at your disposal 24 hours a day to listen to your complaints (in Kyrgyz only).
Some particularly immature partners are unable to cope with the narcissistic wound of their defeat in the machine-human competition: in case of trouble, hand the person concerned the complete works of Darwin (exhibit 22), the tissue paper ( part 23), as well as the reduction coupon (part 24) located on the back of these instructions. Once calmed down, your partner will eventually admit the incompatibility of future sexuality and past sexuality, and join you at the Garden of Earthly Delights(tm), with a 5% tax-free discount (it’s a giveaway!) .
Beware of the addictive effect
Once the @myflesh account has been validated, the assembly of the sex toy operated and the disassembly of your couple digested, a world of pleasures is offered to you. The more you use your FLESHCRUSH, the more the artificial intelligence of the product will refine its erotic targeting. Do not hesitate to consume several times a day or hour. Some studies warn our customers against an addictive effect: our scientific committee, despite extensive research on this subject (available on request in Kyrgyzstan), could not confirm these claims.
For hygienic reasons, please do not lend your FLESHCRUSH. Clean the thirty-four elements of the FLESHCRUSH with baking soda (not supplied) between each use. Do not put the FLESHCRUSH in the microwave (and never above 240°C in a convection oven). Do not use the FLESHCRUSH in the presence of your pets. The FLESHCRUSH is not intended for cleaning slippery floors. Breakdowns can occur on odd days.
After several weeks of use, some users reach a plateau phase in the sensations obtained and, more rarely, desensitization of the erogenous zones. Don’t worry. By inserting your bank details into your @myflesh account, you will automatically be upgraded to premium mode for 120 euros per month, which will allow you to unlock new pleasures and new features (still untested in the long term, but we remain confident ).
In case of inner emptiness, memory loss or decline in emotional quotient, calmly go to the nearest hospital. It’s probably a problem with your diet. If these sensations persist, press the “ALARM” button located under valve 24 hidden under valve 89. Your Garden of Delights ™ will self-destruct without leaving a trace (watch out for the explosion! Lock yourself in your bathroom baths). Your @myflesh account will still exist on our servers, but will now be inaccessible to you.
The FLESHCRASH company declines all responsibility in the event of divorce, as well as any contribution to medical and/or psychological costs possibly induced by prolonged use of products from the FLESHCRUSH range. We wish you an excellent use. Welcome to the Garden of Earthly Delights ™!